Wacktress

A long time ago my friend Marla called Scarlett Johansen a WACKTRESS. I have no idea what that means but I'm still going to agree. She's a wacktress. This video is ridiculous. It sounds like a terrible acid trip... no thank you. 

I'll have the Jennifer Holiday please.

So as you've probably noticed (as I've posted 3 updates in the past few minutes) my internet is up and running at my new apartment in Harlem. Harlem is amazing for a number of reasons. All of the liquor stores are rockin' thick sheets of bullet-proof glass, we've got (according to menupages.com) 23 soul food restaurants, and everyone want to know how much my dog costs.

Although I should be eating boring salad, whenever I want to order food my mind obviously thinks about all the delish treats these restaurants are cooking up. I haven't had fried chicken since I was like ten years old, but in Harlem HOW CAN I RESIST. Seriously. My favorite restaurant up here is Amy Ruth's, so good in fact that it's delicious even when not stoned. Not that I am always stoned but it's Harlem, and that's how they roll up here so whatever.

The menu is hilarious. Check out the names of the dishes and what they actually are. Apparently you can eat waffles with ANYTHING.

The Rev. Al Sharpton chicken & waffles (fried or smothered)

The Rev. Michael A. Walrond Jr amy ruth's original waffles

The Yasmin Cornelius waffles with fried chicken wings

The Larry Dais waffles with boneless rib-eye steak

The Ret, Chief Joseph Leake waffles with bacon on pork sausage

The Dougie Fresh waffles with fried whiting

The Rev. Thomas Johnson waffles with fried catfish

The Jennifer Holliday waffles with fried shrimp

The Guy Woods & Shay Barnett waffles with cinnamon, fresh banana & pecans

The Imam Izak-El Pasha original waffles with fresh strawberries

The Bishop Charles Reed original waffles with fresh sauteed apples

The Gregory & Gloria Page original waffles with fresh blueberries

The City Councilwoman Inez Dickens 5 grain waffles

The Sister Karriemah Muhammed sweet beer-braised oxtail stew

The Ludacris fried chicken wings (4)

The Debra Frazier House and Shenna Wright braised smothered chitlins

The Lewis H. Latimer Progressive Association salmon croquettes

Charmaine "Cake Diva" Jones rum de rum cake

My next question is, obviously, how do I get on this menu? I've been there 3 times in 2 weeks, definitely a bad idea as I'm going to turn into a fat ass, but seriously, how? And what would my dish be called? If I go often enough and order the same thing over and over don't they kind of just have to name something after me? I'm open to suggestions.

If I do somehow manage to be the one and only  white homosexual male on the menu, it will officially be the campiest achievement ever.

Lil Dyke!!!!

A little bumpy at the start, but I'm obsessed with anything "Lil," be it a lil' fat swing dancer, a lil' fat liar, or a lil' fat belter. Now whenever you see someone lil' (and fat) you'll have a title for them. CampNation changes lives.

Bread Sticks and Boob Jobs- UPDATE

I stole this from Gawker b/c i'm lazy. 

Olive Garden Shuns Playboy Endorsement; Sticks To Breadsticks Kendra Wilkinson is a tanned, platinum-blond Playboy Model from Southern California who refers to Olive Garden as "my soul food." Which would seem to be exactly the sort of culinary embrace that one would expect from Hugh Hefner's live-in girlfriend, no? It's really quite a revealing bit of Americana. But Olive Garden itself wants to cater exclusively to waddling suburbanites, and fears that Wilkinson's sexy sexual sexuality will, somehow, scare away the clean customers. But why? One official says the company has tried to walk a fine line with its response, maintaining the chain's wholesome image without alienating potential customers. "I don't feel comfortable talking about this...because it is a complicated issue for the brand," says Michele Kay, executive vice president of WPP Group's Grey advertising firm, which handles the Olive Garden account. The purported issue here is whether companies should embrace "rogue" famous fans, even if they're as disreputable as—the two examples actually used—a Playboy model or a rapper. In other words: how does corporate America deal with blacks and loose women? Olive Garden, of course, is foolish. A blond Playboy model perfectly embodies their outward deliciousness and inner emptiness. Don't let her defect to Applebee's, you fools.

Yins All Go Dawn Tawn

My friends Jeff and Matt are funny. Extra points for the attention to detail- white zin!

Billie Jean

The boots. The dancing. The belting.

What'll She Do?

It's been a while. Sorry. This one isn't fall out of your seat funny but Bea Arthur doing ANYTHING is, in my opinion, hilarious. Watch as Bea sings Irving Berlin and gets all the guys in the bar hard. Don't blink or you'll miss the CAMPY close up of Blanche. Why don't they have shows like this anymore?