I'll have the Jennifer Holiday please.

So as you've probably noticed (as I've posted 3 updates in the past few minutes) my internet is up and running at my new apartment in Harlem. Harlem is amazing for a number of reasons. All of the liquor stores are rockin' thick sheets of bullet-proof glass, we've got (according to menupages.com) 23 soul food restaurants, and everyone want to know how much my dog costs.

Although I should be eating boring salad, whenever I want to order food my mind obviously thinks about all the delish treats these restaurants are cooking up. I haven't had fried chicken since I was like ten years old, but in Harlem HOW CAN I RESIST. Seriously. My favorite restaurant up here is Amy Ruth's, so good in fact that it's delicious even when not stoned. Not that I am always stoned but it's Harlem, and that's how they roll up here so whatever.

The menu is hilarious. Check out the names of the dishes and what they actually are. Apparently you can eat waffles with ANYTHING.

The Rev. Al Sharpton chicken & waffles (fried or smothered)

The Rev. Michael A. Walrond Jr amy ruth's original waffles

The Yasmin Cornelius waffles with fried chicken wings

The Larry Dais waffles with boneless rib-eye steak

The Ret, Chief Joseph Leake waffles with bacon on pork sausage

The Dougie Fresh waffles with fried whiting

The Rev. Thomas Johnson waffles with fried catfish

The Jennifer Holliday waffles with fried shrimp

The Guy Woods & Shay Barnett waffles with cinnamon, fresh banana & pecans

The Imam Izak-El Pasha original waffles with fresh strawberries

The Bishop Charles Reed original waffles with fresh sauteed apples

The Gregory & Gloria Page original waffles with fresh blueberries

The City Councilwoman Inez Dickens 5 grain waffles

The Sister Karriemah Muhammed sweet beer-braised oxtail stew

The Ludacris fried chicken wings (4)

The Debra Frazier House and Shenna Wright braised smothered chitlins

The Lewis H. Latimer Progressive Association salmon croquettes

Charmaine "Cake Diva" Jones rum de rum cake

My next question is, obviously, how do I get on this menu? I've been there 3 times in 2 weeks, definitely a bad idea as I'm going to turn into a fat ass, but seriously, how? And what would my dish be called? If I go often enough and order the same thing over and over don't they kind of just have to name something after me? I'm open to suggestions.

If I do somehow manage to be the one and only  white homosexual male on the menu, it will officially be the campiest achievement ever.